Officialis Quaestionario: The Holy See’s Questionnaire For Becoming Pope

Giovanni Rodriguez
2 min readMar 26, 2020


Dear Applicant

Welcome to our global portal for parishioners interested in becoming the Pope! Or as we at the Vatican like to say, “Receperint portal ad parochianos ad global online who are interested in habitu Papa!” We also like to say, “Non solum autem illa, et walkin, in platea, cantu, ‘do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do’.” (Vatican humor). Before submitting your undoctored test scores, unforged transcripts, and references from the College of Cardinals, we ask that you fill out this simple questionnaire to see, quite frankly, if you’ve got what it takes.

We would say good luck, but you will only need it if you are not destined to become Pope. The future Pope will ace this exam.

Officialis Quaestionario in Consiliis Sanctae Sedis

Are you a Catholic?

Are you a Christian?

Do you even believe in God?

I am thinking of a number from 1–7. What is it?

Is Latin your first language? Why not?

Which pizza is the best: New York or Chicago? (If you answered Chicago, please start over)

What is your current view on indulgences? (for the Vatican leadership team)

Would you be open to casual Fridays?

On a scale of 1–10, where 10 is best, how would you rate your content marketing skills?

What’s on your calendar for March 28, 2032? (trick question)

There’s a huge mess in the Vatican Libary. Do you need it cleaned up before you get here?



Giovanni Rodriguez

Writer, amateur blacksmith, future Pope.