The Donald J. Trump Evening News

Giovanni Rodriguez
3 min readApr 24, 2020

April 23: Three perfect drinks for battling the invisible enemy

My fellow Americans (except for the lamestream media)

By now you’ve heard the great news that I’ve lined up all the doctors and CEOs to develop a vaccine with a good-old American disinfectant. Of course you have. My daily briefing is the highest-rated TV show in history, to be quite honest. Frankly, it may take a little while to make this beautiful vaccine available to all our citizens (starting with journalists and immigrant families) — maybe three whole days. But the invisible enemy waits for nobody, and we can’t risk any time wasted if Fauci goes on Fox and says something cute. I’m starting to hate that guy. I call him Tiny Tony. Because he’s so short. So I’ve come up with this great idea — Pence says “I love it, boss” — of creating recipes for three perfect drinks you can make at home, while I amaze you with my solid grasp on medical science. I could have been a doctor, many smart people have said, if my destiny weren’t to become the lifetime ruler of the greatest democracy of all time. You won’t have to inject the drink, though that’s an interesting idea, if I could only find a way to get the Chinese to send syringes to you via UPS, rather than the failing USPS, or the soon-to-be bankrupt Amazon Washington Post. And, believe me, the Chinese will pay for the syringes, because they invented the virus with an investment from Bill Gates. Another beauty. I call him the Wacko from Washington. Because he’s Looney Tunes. Just try drinking these drinks, and let them do their magic. And remember: I have no financial stake in any of the recipe ingredients, despite what the lamestream media says.

Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Martooni With Lysol

Two ounces of Lysol Clean & Fresh Multi-surface Liquid Cleaner

Two ounces of ice molded in Trump-Face Ice Cube Tray, Collector’s Edition®

Five ounces of Melania Trump’s Be Best Vodka, Pandemic Collection®

Instructions: pour ingredients with ice into a tall Trump Tumbler,® stir with a Krazy Straw and serve with a Happy Meal

Trump Tower Tonic With Clorox

Three jiggers of Concentrated Clorox Regular Bleach

Two ounces of ice molded in Trump Jr.-Face Ice Cube Trays, Trump Organization Edition®

One 16-ounce can of Schweppes Tonic Water or 7 Up (much better)

Five ounces of Trump’s Ole Faithful Mike Pence Gin, Black Plague Collection®

Instructions: pour ingredients with ice into a Super-Sized Trump Tumbler,® stir with a red Krazy Straw and serve with burnt steak and one pound of curly fries

Trump’s Brexit Beer With Borax

Five tablespoons of Borax (Sodium Borate, Sodium Tetraborate, Pentahydrate) by ChemicalStore

Two warm Miller Lite Tallboys

For flavor: one cup of Pepto-Bismol Liquid 5 Symptom Digestive Relief Original, with red dyes 22 and 23

Instructions: pulse (whatever that means) the ingredients in a Trump Turbo Blender,® then pour into American Red Solo Cold Cups. Serve with five orders of McDonalds Filet-O-Fish with three large bags of “Freedom Fries” (make sure the illegal alien at the drive-thru hears you say that).