By Quentin Snapp, Head of Membership For The AARP
There’s never been a better time — i.e., today, April 25, 2020 — to sign up your husband for a lifetime membership with the AARP. “Why?,” you ask. Well, you’ve been quarantined with the guy for more than a month now, and he’s spent his life walking the streets in a sandwich board urging pedestrians to attend the latest show at the local community theater. It’s a safe bet you’re going to see a lot more of him. Unless, of course, you use his stimulus check and monthly social security payments to obtain this once-in-a-lifetime offer for the AARP Gold-Plus Club Membership Package™ which, from the moment we receive the first $2,400, will go toward a one-way cruise to the Alaskan Yukon Territory (accommodations and ambulance not included). He will also get a Special Collector’s Edition of the official AARP Gold-Plus Club Membership Fanny Pack™ signed by Paula Deen, whose battle with Type 2 diabetes was covered by the award-winning AARP blog and who in 2015 made an appearance on Dancing With The Stars, your husband’s favorite TV show.
“But how, in good faith and with a clear conscience, do I decide that my husband is ready — i.e., demonstrably “old” enough — to join the AARP?,” you ask. We applaud your due diligence, and provide you herewith the top seven signs your husband is getting old, tabulated by the award-winning data scientists at the Department of Public Relations for the AARP (winner a recent PRSA Silver Anvil).
- You catch your husband in bed, in the middle of the night, checking Zillow for the prices of homes in Florida.
- He spends most mornings chuckling by the living room window, muttering to himself, “fucking birds.”
- He has an alert on his Jitterbug phone to remind him to watch Fox and Friends at 3 AM Pacific.
- He hides his dentures in your leftovers, just “to get a rise” out of you.
- On the last balance of your joint Discover card, you see a purchase of $1,399 from the Franklin Mint.
- He seems to have forgotten your name. He sometimes calls you “tinker doodle,” or “lady.”
- He wakes you up suddenly one night and asks, “where are you hiding my TV Guides … woman?”