SEVEN SIGNS YOUR HUSBAND IS GETTING OLD

By Quentin Snapp, Head of Membership For The AARP

Dear Ladies

There’s never been a better time — i.e., today, April 25, 2020 — to sign up your husband for a lifetime membership with the AARP. “Why?,” you ask. Well, you’ve been quarantined with the guy for more than a month now, and he’s spent his life walking the streets in a sandwich board urging pedestrians to attend the latest show at the local community theater. It’s a safe bet you’re going to see a lot more of him. Unless, of course, you use his stimulus check and monthly social security payments to obtain this once-in-a-lifetime offer for the AARP Gold-Plus Club Membership Package™ which, from the moment we receive the first $2,400, will go toward a one-way cruise to the Alaskan Yukon Territory (accommodations and ambulance not included). He will also get a Special Collector’s Edition of the official AARP Gold-Plus Club Membership Fanny Pack™ signed by Paula Deen, whose battle with Type 2 diabetes was covered by the award-winning AARP blog and who in 2015 made an appearance on Dancing With The Stars, your husband’s favorite TV show.

“But how, in good faith and with a clear conscience, do I decide that my husband is ready — i.e., demonstrably “old” enough — to join the AARP?,” you ask. We applaud your due diligence, and provide you herewith the top seven signs your husband is getting old, tabulated by the award-winning data scientists at the Department of Public Relations for the AARP (winner a recent PRSA Silver Anvil).

1. You catch your husband in bed, in the middle of the night, checking Zillow for the prices of homes in Florida.
2. He spends most mornings chuckling by the living room window, muttering to himself, “fucking birds.”
3. He has an alert on his Jitterbug phone to remind him to watch Fox and Friends at 3 AM Pacific.
4. He hides his dentures in your leftovers, just “to get a rise” out of you.
5. On the last balance of your joint Discover card, you see a purchase of $1,399 from the Franklin Mint.
6. He seems to have forgotten your name. He sometimes calls you “tinker doodle,” or “lady.”
7. He wakes you up suddenly one night and asks, “where are you hiding my TV Guides … woman?”