Giovanni Rodriguez

Apr 5, 2020

3 min read

An Interview With Jesus On Face Palm Sunday

This morning, I had my weekly 1:1 with the Son of God, and he was in quite the mood. The following is an excerpt of the transcript, approved by the Head of Content Marketing for the Vatican.

GIOVANNI

Hi Jesus. How you holding up?

JESUS [waking]

It’s 8AM Pacific already? Sorry, I was in the middle of a bad dream. Melania was coming on to me again. Not my type. [Grabs a can of Diet Coke from his mini-fridge, holds it up to his computer screen so I can see it]. These are only five bucks per twelve-pack at Walmart. [Looking upward]. In 2020 years, you’d think I get a raise?

GIOVANNI

Sorry about that.

JESUS

I'll get over it.

GIOVANNI

Just a few questions today. From the flock.

JESUS [face palming]

The flock. Oy vey! Don’t get me started. First, they elect Trump. Now they kvetch about all the chaos he created, night and day, as if they had nothing to do with it. Don’t they realize I can hear them every time they speak my name, for chrissakes? The third commandment — a total fail. So now I’ve got this massive headache, and Holy Week is just beginning. But thank God it’s not Friday. How many times do I need to do to get my point across? I really need to chill. Maybe I’ll get one of those “guided meditations.” (pause). You can do them via Zoom, you know.

GIOVANNI

OK, first question. From Brooklyn: are you really Jewish?

JESUS

Does the Pope bring baby wipes into the woods? Why kind of meshuggener question is that? “Are you really Jewish?”

GIOVANNI

From The Bronx: are you Puerto Rican?

JESUS

Can’t say for sure. I’ll need to check with Ancestry.com.

GIOVANNI

What’s your favorite color?

JESUS

Teal. It matches the color of my contacts, and it drives all the ladies — with whom I'm not allowed to have “relations”— absolutely wild.

GIOVANNI

Are you ever planning on shaving?

JESUS

I dunno. I’ve thought about it. But with the lockdown, it may be hard to get out of the house to buy quality gear. But if someone wants to help me out, they can order me a Braun Rechargeable Electric Razor for Men, Series 7 7865cc, with precision trimmer and travel case for when I get out of here. Just $200 on Amazon Prime, but you better order today. Time’s running out … literally.

GIOVANNI

What are you reading these days?

JESUS

Revelations. Love the part about the horses and all hell breaking loose. Someone should make a movie.

GIOVANNI

Who is your favorite prophet?

JESUS

Old Testament? Jeremiah. Not even close. That guy was loco! Off the hook! I could play him in the movie.

GIOVANNI

How did you feed all those people with just five loaves of bread and two fishes?

JESUS [unwrapping a deck of Bicycle Playing Cards]

Just a simple parlor trick I picked up in God School. I’ve got tons of them. Here, pick a card. Any card.

GIOVANNI

One last question: Netflix or Hulu?

JESUS

Hulu. With an annual subscription, you can watch The Last Temptation of Christ, director’s cut, for free. The story is entirely made up, of course, because I’m not really allowed to “date.” But I can really relate to the protagonist. Really handsome guy.

GIOVANNI

Thanks, Jesus. Same time next week?

JESUS [sounding chipper]

Yep! I’ll be in my Easter Sunday best. Can you forward me a recording of this talk? I have my 1:1 with Dad in an hour, and he’s always confused. Getting old, I guess.